Stargate Atlantis: Parallel Universe
by ptah
Summary: In this universe Shep, McKay, Weir and others are not so smart, brave and brilliant as they are in ours... Check out how they manage here! Featuring Lorne, Zelenka, Grodin and others! Minor spoilers for all 5 seasons. Rated M for safety reasons...
1. Point of no return part 1

Disclaimer: All names and characters are a property of their respective owners, I own nothing and I will not make profit of it!

Stargate Atlantis: Parallel Universe

_We all know of the Atlantis expedition. Expedition of smart, cunning, brave men and women, who chose to risk their lives for us, left on Earth. For us, who don't even know what' s going on. Well, we never will, but that is not my point. My point is that there are infinite variations of universe... They were smart, cunning and brave in that one alright. Sadly that's not the case in this universe...._

**EPISODE 1 – POINT OF NO RETURN (part 1)**

**Stargate Command, Gate room**

_The expedition is set to go. They're just waiting for General Maybourne to give them a goodbye speech._

_Soldier 1: _Where the hell is he. He's now 20 minutes late.

_Soldier 2: _He probably fell asleep, again.

_Soldier 1: _Like the last time we went on important mission, when he...

_At that point Maybourne comes to the gate room._

_Maybourne: _Ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry I'm late but I was looking for my speech which I wrote, I really did, but then I found out that my dog ate it.

_Soldier 3: _But sir, you don't have a dog!

_Maybourne: _Shut up! Or you will be courtmarshalled! And for the record: I do have a dog. It's mean, big and he likes to eat paper.

_The Expedition: _Yes, sir! We understand!

_Maybourne: _I'm glad you recognize the truth! Now, back to business! Since I forgot to... Since dog ate my speech, I will be short.

_There is a moment of silence in the room, as Maybourne is thinking what would be the best words to say to people who, in his opinion, are probably going to die. Finally he looks like he's ready to say the last words to the expedition before they go into the unknown._

_Maybourne: _Goodbye!

_Soldier 4: _Sir? Was that...

_Maybourne: _My speech? Yes! I told you it will be short!

_Maybourne then turns up to Harriman._

_Maybourne: _You, with the funny glasses. Dial the gate!

_Harriman: _Dialing the gate, sir!

_Stargate activates and people of the expedition start moving themselves and all the equipment through the gate. It is a glorious moment for the human kind as they venture into the unknown, into the city of the Ancients, into Atlantis!_

_Maybourne: _I wonder what is on the other side. Sometimes I wish I could go with them!

_Harriman: _It can be arranged.

_Maybourne: _What was that funny man?

_Harriman: _I said you are to important and should stay here, sir!

_Maybourne: _ Ah, you are right, funny man, you are right.

**Meanwhile on the other side:**

_Dr. Weir: _This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir, leader of the Atlantis expedition. We're through!

_Maybourne: _You obviously are! What is it like?

_Dr. Weir: _It's dark!

_Maybourne: _Is it big, majestic? Tell me!

_Dr. Weir: _I said it's dark! We can't see shit!

_Maybourne: _Use the lights!

_Dr. Weir: _Ah yes, the lights! Lights on! _(She says it again, this time louder)_ Lights on!

_Maybourne: _I meant the flash-lights!

_Dr. Weir: _Oh! Colonel Sumner! Colonel Sumner!

_Sumner: _Ma'am?

_Dr. Weir: _Find me some flash lights!

_Sumner: _Yes ma'am! Rogers, Bates! Where are those flash lights that we should've mounted on our guns but we didn't since it was deemed unnecessary, by Dr. Weir?

_Bates: _I have them right here somewhere.

_Rogers: _Here they are, in these boxes.

_Sumner: _Take one each.

_With the flash lights distributed and working, the Atlantis gate room is now visible._

_Maybourne: _So? How is it?

_Harriman: _Sir, we're losing power!

_Maybourne: _So soon?

_Harriman: _Well the Pegasus galaxy is quite far away...

_Maybourne: _Yeah, yeah. Listen Dr. Wierd, we're losing power. We'll have to shut down the gate or the ZPM will be completely drained!

_Dr. Weir: _Understood! And it's Weir not Wierd! Weir out!

_Maybourne: _Whatever! Stargate Command out!

_Stargate shuts down._

_Sumner: _OK, boys and girls! I want you to form teams by four. Search the city! Anything suspicious report to me or Dr. Weir! Is that understood?

_Soldiers: _Yes, sir!

_Sumner: _Good! Sheppard, you stay here and watch over scientists. Make sure they don't do anything stupid.

_Sheppard: _But sir...

_Sumner: _That's an order! Or do you intend not to follow them? Because if that's the case I can shoot you where you stand!

_Sheppard: _No, sir! I'll watch the scientists!

_Sumner: _Good! Let's move out!

_So the soldiers move out and scientists go check out the control room, where there is plenty of geeky stuff to be worth examining._

_Kyoshi: _Oh my god! This console is way cooler than my home-made Xbox1440 made out of four Xbox360's!

_McKay: _Don't touch anything! And stop babbling about your Xbox's. Why don't you find out how to turn on the lights?

_At the same exact moment the ligts turn on._

_Zelenka (over the radio): _Dr. Weir, this is Zelenka, the Czech guy! I have found a light switch!

_Dr. Weir: _Yes, we can see that! Good work!

_Sumner: _Colonel Sumner to Dr. Weir! Colonel Sumner to Dr. Weir!

_Dr. Weir: _This is Dr. Weir.

_Sumner: _We have a major problem!

_Dr. Weir: _With Sheppard?

_Sumner: _Not that kind of major problem ma'am!

_Dr. Weir: _Oh, I see! What kind of problem then?

_Sumner: _It seems that the city is under water! Some of the sections are already flooded! I lost eight of my men already! They were not important but still... like I said... we have a major problem!

_McKay: _Oh no! This is a big big problem! The shield is collapsing!!!

_Dr. Weir: _So?

_McKay(panicking): _So???!!! If the shield collapses we will all drown! Like a whale strapped to the ocean floor!!! We will eventually suffocate! Oh so horrible death, we have to get out of here! I'm getting out of here! My god I'll die and we've just come here! I didn't even had a chance to look at all those fancy ancient consoles...!

_Dr. Weir: _Are you finished?

_McKay: _I will be when I drown!!!

_Dr. Weir: _McKay! I need you to calm down and engage in your Techno Babble Mode so you can save us!

_McKay: _OK, calm down, calm down. Think about the dolphins, the beach and the sea! NO DON'T THINK ABOUT THE SEA! Monkeys! Yes monkeys, bananas, palm trees... OK. I'm calm, I'm calm... _(deep breath)_ Let us see. You there!

_He points at a soldier standing a few metres away._

_Soldier: _Me?

_McKay: _Yes, you. Take some men, take the naquadah generator then find someplace where you can connect them with the city so that the shields will last long enough for me to write a subroutine into the ancient computer which will rise us from the bottom of the see to the...

_Soldier: _Yeah yeah yeah! I get it! Osbourne, Fukishita and Balboa, you're with me!

_So the soldiers go and mount the generators and McKay is writing a subroutine when suddenly, a child's voice is heard not from the radio but from the preinstalled Atlantis surround sound system._

_Voice: _Hel... Hello? Can anyone hear me?

_Dr. Weir: _What the hell is this? Is the city alive? Is there anyone left here?

_Grodin: _I don't think so Elizabeth, but to be...

_Voice: _So you can hear me! This is great!

_Sheppard: _Identify yourself, or we will take action!

_Voice: _Do you not recognize me? It's me. Zelenka. The Czech guy, you know?

_Sheppard: _Who?

_McKay: _Zelenka. The genius who turned on the lights and therefor drained power from the Zed-PM and collapsed the shields!

_Zelenka(still with a voice of a child): _Hey! It wasn't my fault! The lights had nothing to do with that! It was because of the gate!

_McKay: _Stop criing like a spoiled child!

_Zelenka: _Ha, ha! Very funny! _(speaks Czech)_

_Sheppard: _Yeah, what's with the voice?

_Zelenka: _I don't know yet, but I will figure it out!

_Sheppard: _Do that. Sheppard out!

_: _Wait! If the ZPM is drained out of power, how are we supposed to dial earth?

_McKay: _We can't at the moment, that's why someone should go to some planet looking for it and also look for a possible Alpha site if our primary plan fails. Also we should evacuate as many people as possible.

_Dr. Weir: _Good idea! I would never think of that myself!

_McKay: _Because you're not a genius. I am!

_Dr. Weir: _Sheppard take yours and Lorne's team and go investigate and stuff like that. Peter! Find an address of the last planet dialed 10000 years ago!

_Sheppard: _Ma'am excuse me, but do I and Lorne even have a team? And isn't Col. Sumner in charge of military operations?

_Dr. Weir: _1. I am in charge of everything around here!

2. You and Lorne WILL take three soldiers each and go investigate.

3. Colonel Sumner drowned a few minutes ago.

_Sheppard: _He drowned? Does that make me... a... a... a ranking military officer?

_Dr. Weir: _We will discuss this when, and if you, and all of us survive! Now go!

_Sheppard(over the radio): _Major Lorne, report tho the gate room with your team!

_Lorne: _I have a team?

_Dr. Weir: _The one you investigate the city with maybe?

_Lorne: _They're dead ma'am!

_Sheppard: _Oh, then you don't have one as of yet! Come to the gate room we will find you a suitable team.

_Lorne: _OK, Lorne out!

_Grodin: _Elizabeth! I've found the gate address which was last dialed!

_Dr. Weir: _Good work Peter!

_McKay (to Kyoshi): _They're calling each other by names. Do you think he's doin' her?

_Kyoshi: _Probably. Weir likes his English accent.

_McKay: _That's ridiculous, his accent! Ha!

_Kyoshi: _I'm telling you! It's the truth!

_Lorne comes to the gate room, Dr. Weir assigns him and Sheppard a team, Peter Grodin dials the gate Lorne and Sheppard go through and McKay is writing a program which will rise them on the surface._

_Dr. Weir: _Peter, shut down the gate.

_Grodin: _Yes, my lady!

_Kyoshi (to McKay): _Did he just say...

_McKay: _Oh god! He did! This is so much a soap opera!

_Kyoshi: _I hate soap operas!

_Mckay: _Me to! Anyway, I have completed the program. _(over the radio) _Hey, you! The one I sent to mount the generators!

_Soldier (over the radio): _What?

_McKay: _Are you finished?

_Soldier: _In a moment! _(Moment later) _OK, we're done!

_Kyoshi: _The shields are holding for the moment.

_McKay: _Great! This will give us enough time to resurface but it will drain the generators almost completely.

_Dr. Weir: _So what are you saying?

_Kyoshi: _He's saying _(He gets interrupted by McKay)_

_McKay: _I'm saying that if we don't find the Zed-PM we'll have no shields.

_Dr. Weir: _But we won't need them once we're on the surface, right?

_Grodin: _Well...

_Dr. Weir: _Well? What is it that bothers you my lo... lonely scientist?

_Kyoshi (to McKay): _I'm gonna be sick!

_McKay: _Me to!

Elizabeth! The prob...

_Dr. Weir: _Elizabeth?! Elizabeth?! You will call me Dr. Weir! Only Peter here can call me Elizabeth!

_McKay: _Alright, alright! I'm sorry! So Dr. Weir, theoretically once we hit the surface, shields will no longer be necessary...

_Kyoshi: _...but since you send Sheppard and Lorne on another planet...

_Dr. Weir: _What? Tell me!

_Grodin: _Lizzy!

_Kyoshi and McKay are both like WTF._

_Grodin: _Lizzy you have to understand!

_Dr. Weir: _Understand what Sugar?

_McKay: _Oh come on! Could you please stop with this soap opera shit? He's trying to tell you that Lorne and especially Sheppard are known for stumbling upon trouble. Sooner or later some angry aliens will be in front of our doorstep with guns blazin' and when that happens, shields would come in real handy!

**Meanwhile on the planet which was dialed by Grodin and is now known to Sheppard and Lorne as Athos.**

_Teyla: _Run!!!

_Sheppard: _I AM RUNNING!!!

_Teyla: _In here!

_They find a cave and hide in it._

_Lorne: _Who are they?

_Teyla: _The Wraith! They harvest humans so they can feed on them?

_Lorne: _Feed on them?

_Teyla: _Not feed feed you know but feed... like... they eat your life essence!

_Sheppard: _Maybe we should go investigate!

_Teyla: _I do not think that is wise!

_Lorne: _We probably shouldn't, Sheppard!

_Sheppard: _Oh c'mon, it will be fun. Last one beamed aboard buys a dinner!

_Sheppard runs out and gets beamed by a wraith darth. Lorne follows. Teyla stays in the cave. Shep and Lorne both wake up locked in a cell._

_Sheppard: _Looks like we're locked in a cell!

_Lorne: _No shit Sherlock!

_Sheppard: _Oh, don't be mad! Isn't that fun? Grave danger, locked in a cell... Enemy territory... No?

_Lorne: _For me, fun is beating McKay like guys, but since we're here...

_Sheppard: _Oh yeah!!! That's what I'm talking about! I only wish I had a beer!

_Lorne: _Me to!

_A disgusting figure approaches the cell... two more follow. They are the Wraith._

_Sheppard: _Who are you?

_Wraith: _Silence! You will come with us. Take them!

_The two wraith warriors grab Sheppard an Lorne and drag the out of a cell._

_Lorne: _Where are you taking us?

_Wraith: _To our queen where you will be questioned and then fed upon!

_Sheppard: _Don't you need to cook us before you do that? You know we won't tell you anything!

_Wraith: _Make fun all you want! But our queen can be very persuasive, not to mention how hot she is!

_Lorne: _Based on how you look she's probably a real beauty!

_Wraith: _Insult my feelings and my queen again and I will fed upon you myself!!!

_Lorne: _Jeez we're touchy!

_The wraith drag them down the disgusting corridor into a big chamber where this red haired wraith chick is standing between two bodies who look like 100 or more years old._

_Sheppard:_What the hell is that?

_Wraith: _Our queen!

_Sheppard:_ I got that. I meant those bodies. What's with the bodies?

_Lorne: _They have been drained of life. Fed upon!

_Queen: _Bring them!

_They are brought before the queen._

_Queen: _Who are you!? Where do you come from!? Tell me!!!

_Lorne: _I am Vader and this is Palpatine. We' re of the Sith.

_Queen: _You lie! The Sith have light sabers. You didn't have them when you were beamed here!!! Now tell me!!!

_Sheppard: _He already told you...

_The wraith warrior kicks him in the face._

_Queen: _Tell me or die!!!

_Lorne: _You still think this is fun?

_At that moment Lt. Ford comes in with a few soldiers and kills the three wraith, Sheppard grabs a wraith stunner and stabs the queen._

_Queen: _AAAAGGHHHHHHHH! You fools! You don't know what you have done! We are only the caretakers for those who sleep! But now they will all awaken, then they will find you and fed upon each and everyone of your people! For you this is POINT OF NO RETURN!!!

_Sheppard pushes the stunners blade deeper into the flesh of the queen._

_Sheppard: _You are mistaken. For us this is POINT OF NO RETURN part 1!


	2. POINT OF NO RETURN part 2

Disclaimer: All names and characters are a property of their respective owners, I own nothing and I will not make profit of it!

Stargate Atlantis: Parallel Universe

_We all know of the Atlantis expedition. Expedition of smart, cunning, brave men and women, who chose to risk their lives for us, left on Earth. For us, who don't even know what' s going on. Well, we never will, but that is not my point. My point is that there are infinite variations of universe... They were smart, cunning and brave in that one alright. Sadly that's not the case in this universe...._

**Previously on Stargate Atlantis: Parallel Universe:**

**Queen:**Who are you!? Where do you come from!? Tell me!!!

**Lorne:**I am Vader and this is Palpatine. We' re of the Sith.

**Queen:**Tell me or die!!!

AAAAGGHHHHHHHH! You fools! You don't know what you have done! We are only the caretakers for those who sleep! But now they will all awaken, then they will find you and fed upon each and everyone of your people! For you this is POINT OF NO RETURN!!!

**And now, the conclusion:**

_The queen is dying and the last words she hears:_

**Sheppard:**You are mistaken. For us this is POINT OF NO RETURN part 1! And from now on we will call it POINT OF NO RETURN part 2!

**EPISODE 2 – POINT OF NO RETURN (part 2)**

**Hive, Queens hall**

**Ford: **Sirs we need to get out of here now!

**Sheppard: **What for? We killed these nasty critters! Relax!

**Ford: **Sir, this is their hive, there are a lot more on board!

**Lorne: **What's a hive?

**Ford: **It's a wraith mother ship.

**Lorne: **Then why don't you say a wraith mothership???

**Ford: **'Cause they call it a hive, 'cause it's shorter and it sounds cool! Now let's go!

**Lorne **_(muttering to himself)_**: **You come to a different galaxy and all of a sudden a mothership isn't a mothership anymore but a hive. I don't get it.

**Sheppard: **Wait! How many more are we talking about?

**Ford: **Around six...

**Sheppard: **Ah, we can handle six...

**Ford: **...hundred

**Sheppard: **We should go now.

**Lorne: **Yeah.

_3 hours 37 minutes and 34 seconds later back at Atlantis, McKay's plan succeeded and they're all celebrating surviving almost certain death. But since the generators are almost depleted they're not out of the water just yet. So to speak..._

**McKay: **Yes! The brilliant plan of the smartest man in this galaxy has prove itself as brilliant as a man who brilliantly designed it to it's brill...

**Dr. Weir: **We get it, OK? Besides, how can you say 'smartest man in this galaxy'? We've been here for only a few hours, we don't even know how evolved people in this galaxy really are!

**McKay: **I'm a genius that's how I know!

**Dr. Weir: **You're the smartest idiot I have met in my entire life, and believe me, I've met quite a few!

**McKay: **What's that suppose to mean?

**Dr. Weir: **Nothing.

**McKay: **Oh, don't you say nothing to me, you little...

**Grodin: **Hey! As much as I enjoy watching adults play a 'Let us be seven years old kids with sociability issues' game, I must warn you that we'll be in a lot of trouble if Sheppard and his companions really stumble upon some nasty aliens who will try to destroy us. Generators are only 17% full.

**McKay: **As I predicted. It'll be enough to support our primary systems for a while but not for raising any shields. So it would be really nice if Sheppard would bring us the Zed-PM minus the aliens.

**Dr. Weir: **Oh, come on Rodney, be a little bit more positive! Lorne and Sheppard are to experienced to do something stupid. I'm sure they won't stumble upon any hostile aliens and that they will bring us the ZPM.

**McKay: **You wanna bet?

**Dr. Weir: **Sure! 100 dollars! American not Canadian!

**McKay: **Deal!

_Stargate activates only a few seconds later_

**Sheppard**_ (over the radio, a lot of gunfire and screaming can be heard)_**: **This ... Sheppard! ... under fire ... hostile aliens! Did not retrieve ... ZPM! ... repeat ... not ... the ZPM... lower ... shield!

**McKay: **Yes!!! _Weir gives him THE LOOK. _Sorry!

**Dr. Weir: **You, technician! Lower the shield!

**Technician: **But I haven't raised it yet.

**Dr. Weir: **I don't care! Lower it anyway! We don't leave people behind?

**Technician: **What?

**Dr. Weir: **LOWER THE SHIELD!!!

**Technician: **OK, OK! It's lowered! Jeez!

**Dr. Weir: **John, you can come through now! John, can you here me?

_Only static over the radio_

**Dr. Weir: **Sheppard? Lorne? Anyone?

**Lorne: **This is Lorne. The enemy has been neutralised for the moment. We're still a few hundred meters from the gate and Sheppard is down! We'll need a medic.

**Dr. Weir **_(over the radio)_**: **Doctor with the Scottish accent, report to the gate room immediately! Major Lorne, what happened to Sheppard? Is he alive?

**Lorne: **He's alive but unconscious. It was an accident, ma'am.

**Dr. Weir: **What kind of accident?

**Lorne: **Friendly fire, ma'am.

**Dr. Weir: **Excuse me?

**Lorne: **Literally fire, ma'am. Captain Rogue here got carried away with his flamethrower. Burned some of Sheppard's hair.

**Dr. Weir: **No! Not the hair! Is he heavily burned, major?

**Lorne: **No, ma'am, just the hair.

**Dr. Weir: **Then why is he...

**Lorne: **He said he couldn't stand the thought of loosing his hair, ma'am.

**Dr. Weir: **And that's why he...

**Lorne: **...fainted. Yes, ma'am.

**Dr. Weir: **OK, come on home major.

**Lorne: **In a second, ma'am. Lorne out. Radenkov, cover Sheppard's head with a jacket. Don't let the people see his hair. Or the lack of it.

_Lorne's words make them all burst into a laugh. They cover Sheppard's hair and proceed through the gate back to Atlantis, their new home. The whole team reports to the newly established infirmary, of course, after Sheppard's hair has been properly treated, meaning the whole head wrapped up with bandages for the time being. They are all checked and clear to go. Only Sheppard stays in the infirmary because of psychical trauma._

**Sheppard: **Doctor, is there really no other way?

**Beckett: **I'm afraid not, Major. They will grow back. But you must give it time!

**Sheppard: **Time is something we don't have! I must brief Dr. Weir about the Wraith!

**Beckett: **As far as I know Major Lorne and the others are briefing her as we speak!

**Sheppard: **What? Without me?! I must attend that meeting now!

**Beckett: **But without your hair...

**Sheppard: **You have to give me something! Anything!

**Beckett: **There is one thing that might...

**Sheppard: **What?

**Beckett: **I will tell you, but you have to promise me you won't tell anyone where did you get it.

**Sheppard: **It?

**Beckett: **A wig.

**Sheppard: **A wig? Are you kidding?

**Beckett: **It's the only way. This or the bandages!

**Sheppard: **OK, OK, I'll take it.

**Beckett: **I will bring you the wig, but first you have to promise me on your life, that no one will know to whom this wig really belongs!

**Sheppard: **I swear, doctor! This is between you and me, and you and me only! Your secret is safe with me!

**Beckett: **Good. I'll go get it.

_The good doctor brings a wig to the Major and hands it over_

**Sheppard: **It's... blond!

**Beckett: **Aye! It belonged to my mother!

**Sheppard: **Maybe that isn't such a good idea after all...

**Beckett: **Oh, for god's sake make up your mind already! The longer you hesitate the more meeting you will miss!

**Sheppard: **You're right! I'll take it!

_Sheppard takes the wig, puts it on his head and hurries towards the newly established conference room._

**Lorne: **...and the he gets all white in his face and collapse to the ground saying 'nooooooo, my hair! What have you done'!

_All the people in the room start to laugh hysterically_

**McKay: **And then what? _ says between laughter_

**Lorne: **Then he fainted!

_Even more hysterical laugh follows, when suddenly Sheppard comes bursting in the room._

**Ford: **Nice... hair. Sir.

_At this point people start to ROTFLOL_

**Sheppard: **Nice to see people are having a good time. Especially if it includes making jokes of a higher ranking officer.

_He gives a threatening look to all the soldiers in the room and the laughter eventually stops._

**Sheppard: **Now, we should start the meeting from the beginning.

**Lorne: **I agree.

**Dr. Weir: **OK, Major Sheppard, tell us what has happened on the mission.

_They get briefed of what has happened on the mission and what has been going on in Atlantis while they were on another planet. Soldiers explain that the Wraith are not an immediate threat, since they don't know who these people are, or where they come from. _

**Dr. Weir: **OK, that about sums it up. However... There are still issues we have to deal with.

**McKay: **Issues? What issues?

**Dr. Weir: **Relax, Rodney. We just have to assemble our flag team and the teams that will go on rescue missions of our flag team.

**Sheppard: **Finally!

**Dr. Weir: **So I decided that Lorne, McKay, Lt. Ford and one other soldier and two more geeks will be our flag team...

**Sheppard: **What! That is not acceptable! I should be on that team, not Lorne!

**Lorne: **I think Dr. Weir is right. After all, I'm a Major...

**Sheppard: **I'm a Major too!

**Lorne: **That may be the case, but I am Major-er!

**Sheppard: **That's not even a word!

**Lorne: **Of course it is!

**Sheppard: **It's not!

**Lorne: **It is! See, Zelenka found this Atlantis Surround Sound System (ASSS) and McKay figured out how to raise the city to the surface, therefore McKay's achievement was majorer than Zelenka's!

**Sheppard: **What kind of explanation is that???

**McKay: **Well, theoretically he's right!

**Sheppard: **You know what! You can shove your theories up your Canadian...

**Dr. Weir: **Major! All of you! Stop it! While you were arguing I have wagered all the possibilities and come to a conclusion that our flag team will consist of Majors Sheppard and Lorne, Lieutenant Ford, McKay, Zelenka and of the flamethrower guy.

**Sheppard, Lorne: **Oh no,no, no, not him, please!

**Dr. Weir: **I have made up my mind! I AM THE LEADER OF THIS EXPEDITION AND YOU WILL DO AS I SAY!

**Grodin: **Liz, calm down. Remember the anger management lessons!

**Dr. Weir: **I'm sorry Petey, I'm trying as hard as I can, but it is a stressful situation, you know! Maybe if you come to my quarters tonight we could...

**McKay **_(almost singing)_**: **Soap opera...

**Ford: **Could we please hurry up, ma'am? I have to go find myself a nice little room, preferably with a balcony...

**Dr. Weir: **Right. I'm sorry. Where were we?

**Ford: **Captain Rogue, ma'am.

**Dr. Weir: **Who?

**Ford: **The flamethrower guy.

**Dr. Weir: **Yes, of course. Listen John, Evan. Your team will consist of six people, because my favourite number is six. So unless you have another team member in mind, the flamethrower guy will be on your team, whether you like it or not!

_Lorne and Sheppard look at each other, both knowing they are thinking the same._

**Lorne: **Actually...

**Sheppard: **...we do have someone in mind.

**Lorne: **When we were on that planet, it's called Athos, by the way, we met this hot chick called Stephanie...

**Sheppard: **...Sandra.

**Ford: **Teyla.

**Sheppard, Lorne: **Teyla, yes!

**Sheppard: **She helped us out back there. I... We, want her on the team.

**Dr. Weir: **And you think she will join us because...?

**Sheppard: **Are you kidding? She is dreaming of this! Going away on a dangerous, possibly suicidal missions with a bunch of handsome adventurers from another galaxy!

**Lorne: **You could see it in her eyes!

**Dr. Weir: **Are you sure about this?

**Sheppard, Lorne: **Absolutely!

**Dr. Weir: **Then I am declaring that your first official mission will be to bring this 'hot alien chick who helped you out back, on Athos' back here so she might join your team. But until then, the flamethrower guy is with you! End of bargain!

_Sheppard and Lorne reluctantly accept the terms, but they're comforted by the fact that Captain Rogue will soon be replaced by a much hotter team member. Hotter in a non-flame throwing way that is._

**Dr. Weir: **OK, so you have a go. Our first meeting is concluded. Good luck!

_They all leave the newly established conference room. Ford, Sheppard and Lorne are walking out together and talk:_

**Lorne: **Hey Ford, how did you know that chick's name? Where did you two meet?

**Ford: **She told me her name, as well as, you were competing who will get beamed aboard first and that you were probably transported to a hive ship. That's how we found you and save your asses.

**Sheppard: **Yeah, thanks for that Lieutenant. Oh, and that reminds me Lorne, you owe me a dinner!

**Lorne: **Mess hall it is.

**Ford: **We have a mess hall?

**Lorne: **Yeah, newly established.

_They walk slowly towards the newly established mess hall and continue to talk_

**Ford: **Sir, I have been thinking.

**Sheppard: **'bout what?

**Ford: **When you said those lines of handsome men from another galaxy running on missions and how an alien chick would like to joine them?

**Lorne: **Are you worried she won't join us?

**Sheppard: **She'll join you'll see. Look at us! We're handsome are we not? She'll join us, definitely. 'cause our team is handsome!

**Ford: **Yeah, but I think that maybe Zelenka and McKay should sit this one out? Just to be on the safe side?

**Sheppard, Lorne **_(after a moment of silence)_**: **Yeah.

_Back at the conference room, only Grodin and Dr. Weir are left. There is this awkward silence, not normal for these two. But soon silnce is broken with Weird's soft voice:_

**Dr. Weir: **Wanna know what I'm wearing underneath my skirt?

-------------------------------------------THE END of episode 2------------------------------------------


	3. REALITY TV

Disclaimer: All names and characters are a property of their respective owners, I own nothing and I will not make profit of it!

Stargate Atlantis: Parallel Universe

_We all know of the Atlantis expedition. Expedition of smart, cunning, brave men and women, who chose to risk their lives for us, left on Earth. For us, who don't even know what' s going on. Well, we never will, but that is not my point. My point is that there are infinite variations of universe... They were smart, cunning and brave in that one alright. Sadly that's not the case in this universe...._

**EPISODE 3 – REALITY TV  
**

_A puddle jumper is flying through vastness of space. Inside it there are Sheppard, Lorne, Ford, McKay, Zelenka and the newly acquired asset – Teyla._

**McKay**_ (mimicking Dr. Weir)_**: **Your team will consist of six people, because six is my favourite number. Crazy bitch! Maybe next time she should go inside a puddle jumper with five other people.

**Sheppard **_(from the pilot's seat)_**: **Come on! Calm down a bit, will ya?

**McKay: **Calm down? Why the hell should I calm down? I have every right to be upset! Look! _(points to the space around his legs) _You can't even sit normally in this flying tube!

**Ford: **It seems that you're the only one who has problems McKay!

**McKay **_(irritated)_**: **Because I'm more sensitive than you are! I'm not used to all this military stuff!

_Zelenka interrupts the snorting McKay_

**Zelenka: **Guys, I'm picking up some strange readings from the planet in the vicinity.

**McKay:** What kind of readings?

**Zelenka: **Strange readings! Look, I can't be certain, but it looks like a faint energy signature from, I don't know, a computer of some sort maybe?

**McKay:** Yeah, you're probably right!

**Zelenka: **I am?

**McKay: **Sheppard, we should go check it out!

**Lorne: **What for?

**McKay:** Well for starters: it may be built by Ancients and therefore powered by a Zed-PM.

**Ford: **A ZPM powered computer?

**Sheppard: **I don't know about you guys, but I think it's worth checking it out.

**Lorne: **I don't know, man. Weir said 'go ride a puddle jumper and relax a bit', not 'go ride a puddle jumper and relax a bit, but if anything interesting comes up, go check it out'.

**Sheppard: **There might be a ZPM on that planet! C'mon, it'll be fun!

**Lorne: **Like the last time? On that hive?

**Sheppard: **Maybe even more!

**Lorne: **Dude, I'm so in!

_So they fly their little space tube towards the planet and land it some half a mile away form the signal. 33 minutes and 17 seconds later they're already on their way back to the puddle jumper._

**Zelenka: **Don't blame me Rodney! You said I was probably right!

**McKay:** Yes! Probably!

**Zelenka: **How was I supposed to know that it's a galactic bitTorrent server?

**McKay: **Well if you would be smart enough you would see that those energy signatures represent data transfer and if you were really smart you would check and see what kind of data transfer are we talking about! Fuckin' torrents! Torrents! I can't believe we came here for nothing!

**Ford: **Well we wouldn't come here for nothing if you wouldn't mention that stupid Zed-PM of yours!

**McKay: **Don't blame me, you skinny little prick!

**Ford: **Major, permission to shoot this annoying son of bitch!

_Sheppard turns around and gives it a thought but he eventually says no to Ford's proposition._

**McKay: **You weren't actually thinking of giving him permission, right?

**Sheppard: **I did thought about it, so be a nice puppy from now on or else I'll reconsider Ford's idea, OK?

**McKay **_(with a trembling voice)__**: **_OK.

_The team returns to the jumper and they fly back to Atlantis. They actually enjoy the trip since McKay's mouth is shut for the entire duration of the flight. However, the journey is long and they arrive exhausted so all of them go straight to their beds. A few hours later in the middle of the night, Ford wakes up. He takes his radio and calls doctor Beckett._

**Ford: **

Could you prescribe some medications,

'cause I cannot sleep,

in my head all those mutilations,

they're making me weep.

**Beckett: **Son, why are you talking in rhymes? Have you been sniffing that drug Athosians brought with them, again?

**Ford: **

The drug has nothing to do with condition I'm in,

it's what have I done and where have I been.

**Beckett: **My lord, you're high as the sky! Come to the infirmary I'll help you out.

_Beckett hurries to the infirmary, just to find out that Ford is already there, pointing a... a flamethrower at him!_

**Beckett: **Lieutenant, what are you doing?

**Ford **_(points away from the door, towards the center of the room)_**:**

Nice and quiet just step over there

or else you will burn - whole, not just your hair!

_Beckett sees something is really wrong with the young lieutenant and figures that it's best to do as he says. Ford closes the door and smashes the console, preventing entry to any uninvited guest. But in an instant someone knocks on the door. Beckett wants to answer, but Ford hints him it wouldn't be a good idea._

**Beckett**_(whispering)_**: **I have to say something, or whoever is at that door will know something is wrong.

**Ford**_(also whispering)_**: **

Answer, but don't make a mistake,

or else in an instant your life I shall take!

_Beckett can't believe Ford is threatening him, but even more awkward is that he's threatening him in rhymes. Ford is no poet, everyone in Atlantis knows that!_

**Beckett: **A... _(coughs) _Aye? Who is it?

_A semi-retarded voice is heard from the other side. It's captain Rogue - the flamethrower guy._

**Rogue: **Doc? Is you inside?

_Ford gives Beckett a sign he can proceed._

**Rogue: **Doc? I has already been to your room. You was not there. Is no use hiding!

**Beckett: **Aye, son! I'm here! But I'm a little bit busy now, so if you don't mind...

**Rogue: **I just need sleep pills. Someone stole my baby. No baby, no sleep!

**Beckett: **Your... Oh, son! You mean your flamethrower, don't you?

**Rogue**_(with the saddest and most desperate voice you've ever heard)_**: **Myyyyy baaaaaaaabyyyyyyyyyy!

_With insane Ford pointing 'Rogues baaaaaaaaabbbbbbbyyyyyyyyyyy' at him, Beckett knows he must send the captain away._

**Beckett: **I wish I could help you, but I can not at the moment. Go see that hot german psychiatrist. Go! Please!

**Rogue: **Nobody loves us! It is just me and my baaaaaaaaaaaaaabyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, aaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

_The flamethrower guy cries away. Desperate sounds of loneliness can be heard throughout the entire section of the city..._

**Beckett: **Now that he is gone, could you please point this weapon away from me? I'll cooperate. Just tell me what's bothering you son!

**Ford: **

Doctor, your help is what I need

I have come to you because...

**Beckett: **Oh for crying out loud, would you please stop talking in rhymes?

**Ford:**

This is how I am, this is how I operate

and you will die if you don't cooperate!

**Beckett: **OK! I'm not playing this game anymore, either you tell me what did you take, or shoot me, or should I say burn me! And before you engage in your Poetry Mode, let me tell you this: the Ford I know CAN'T RHYME!!! He's the worst poet in Atlantis!

**Ford:**

Be silent now and mark my word

I can rhyme 'cos I'm not Ford!

**Beckett: **What do you mean you're not Ford? What the hell is going on with you?

**Ford:**

You seem OK, so I'll make a confession

this is the body in my possession...

_Meanwhile Beckett and Ford, or not Ford, have their debate, Grodin and Weir come out of her office into the control room. It's now really early in the morning._

**Dr. Weir: **Oh Peter, you're such a stud! I didn't expect you to hold on almost all night! _(She sees some of the technicians, who overhear her words)_ Khm... now go back to your fancy ancient... whatever is it called... and... you know... do what you do best. Oh, and tonight, bring me that report! You know which one don't you? _(There is this smile on her face. A smile which from now on will be known as PORNO SMILE)_

**Grodin: **We'll do! And may I say that... we have may a problem!

**Dr. Weir: **Peter! What are you talking about? I thought that things between us are...

**Grodin: **...no, I'm talking about this! _(he shows her the data projected on the screen, it's in ancient)_

**Dr. Weir: **Oh my god, no!_(a moment passes) _What does it say?

**Grodin: **There are massive power fluctuations in the infirmary! I better call Rodney!

**Dr. Weir: **Oh, Peter you're so smart! Listen, I'll head back to my bed for a few hours or so, you completely exhausted me!

**Grodin: **What? You can't go to sleep now! We're in the middle of the situation!

**Dr. Weir: **We're always in the middle of a situation! Peter, if you can handle me, you can handle this too, believe me!

**Grodin: **Your words are most flattering my love! Very well. I'll take care for this!

_Weir goes to sleep and grodin calls Rodney via the ASSS, but Rodney only mumbles something about not going to school, because there are mean kids there, and then he doesn't respond anymore. So they call Zelenka. He responds, but he isn't happy that they woke him up this early in the morning._

**Zelenka **_(to Grodin)_**: **Yes,yes! Call the Czech guy if it is to early for the great Rodney McKay...

**Grodin: **I'm sorry, but you really need to see this!

_Zelenka looks at the data projected in the screen_

**Zelenka: **What is causing this?

**Grodin: **I have no idea!

**Zelenka: **What do they say in the infirmary?

**Grodin: **Ehm... the infirmary?

**Zelenka: **Yes, the infirmary. You did ask what's going on, right?

**Grodin: **Yeah... we kinda forgot...

_Zelenka starts to speak Czech. They don't know what the words mean exactly, but they can guess it's a lot of cursing involved... So, the 2nd smartest guy in the galaxy calls to the infirmary._

**Zelenka: **This is Dr. Zelenka, the Czech guy, calling the infirmary, Dr. Zelenka calling the infirmary. What's going on down there?

**The infirmary**

**Beckett: **I really should respond to that or else will both be in trouble.

**Ford:**

You may respond and you may tell,

but betray me and this will not end well!

**Beckett: **Dr. Zelenka! This is Dr. Beckett!

**Zelenka: **Doctor, what is going on down there? We're detecting massive energy fluctuations from your position.

**Beckett: **Aye, the fluctuations most definitely come from this rhyming entity which, by the way, is pointing a flamethrower at me.

**Grodin: **Could you repeat that, doctor?

**Beckett: **I'm here with some sort of entity, which is possessing Lieutenant Ford. It's communicating with me in rhymes.

**Grodin: **Was he sniffing that drug...

**Zelenka: **Shut up Grodin! Did you say in rhymes?

**Beckett: **Are you deaf? That's what I said, didn't I? Anyways, it wants me to design some sort of medicine.

_At that moment Sheppard, Lorne and Teyla come to the control room._

**Sheppard: **What's going on?

**Grodin: **What are you doing up so early?

**Lorne: **Ha! Me, Sheppard and Teyla were...

**Teyla: **...running!

**Sheppard: **Yup... Running _(PORNO SMILE) _So... What's going on?

**Beckett: **Is that Sheppard?

**Sheppard: **Yup, me, Lorne, Teyla... We're all here! You need help?

**Beckett: **No! No! I'm fine! Thank you very much for asking!

**Teyla: **Something is wrong! I can hear it in his voice!

**Zelenka: **He's held hostage by Ford!

**Beckett: **Radek!!!

**Zelenka: **Sorry!

**Lorne: **Ford? Ford! Have you been sniffing that Athosian drug again???

**Sheppard: **We have to get them out!

**Beckett: **NO! Wait!

**Zelenka: **Sheppard wait! Beckett's right. You can't just storm into the place!

**Sheppard: **Why not? Storming is fun!

**Lorne: **Damn right it is!

**Beckett: **COULD YOU ALL SHUT UP PLEASE!!!????

**Zelenka: **Sorry, doctor. You were saying?

**Becket: **Ford isn't exactly himself!

**Lorne: **Well, the drug is some serious shit, man...

**Beckett: **It's not the drug, you moron!

**Sheppard: **Then what is it?

**Beckett: **You would know already if you would let me tell you! Ford is possessed with some alien entity and that's what you see on your monitors. It's energy. And this energy is to strong for Fords body. So I need to design some sort of medicine which will help him regenerate the cells or he will die!

**Sheppard: **And if you CAN design the drug? Then what?

**Beckett: **I don't know yet. We haven't come that far.

**Sheppard: **Let me speak to Ford.

**Beckett: **He can hear you major!

**Sheppard: **Oh, right! Hey you alien entity! Surrender or die!

**Zelenka: **What are you doing?

**Sheppard: **What does it look like I'm doing? I'm negotiating!

**Beckett: **Negotiating? Call Dr. Weir, she's a renown negotiator? She should negotiate!

**Grodin: **Good idea!I'll go wake her up.

**Lorne: **Don't be to long! _(porno smile)_

_Grodin gets Weir and after a quickie (probably) they join the others._

**Dr. Weir: **What's going on?

**Sheppard: **Beckett is held hostage by Ford in the infirmary, so we thought, since you are a negotiator, you might wanna negotiate!

**Dr. Weir: **Negotiator? I'm no negotiator!

**Zelenka: **What do you mean? You are Elizabeth Weir, the best negotiator on Earth!

**Dr. Weir: **Oh, no, you must have mistaken me for Elisabeth Weir! You know with the S!

**Beckett: **Oh my god. I'm so dead!

**Sheppard: **Calm down, we'll get you out of this. Both of you! Now entity, tell us what you want.

**Ford:**

First, the doctor will make the drug work

or else, he'll be roasted as a pork,

then you will let me through the gate

so once again I can join my mate!

**Sheppard: **I think it's trying to tell us something!

**Dr. Weir: **Yes, but what? It's talking in riddles! Maybe we should wake up Rodney!

**Beckett: **It's not talking in riddles. It was pretty straight forward! I must make the drug to work, then it wants us to let him go!

**Lorne: **I'm okay with it!

_They all agree with Major Lorne._

**Beckett: **You don't understand it will take Fords body with it!

**Sheppard: **What?! We can't allow that!

**Dr. Weir: **No, we can't! Ford is an important asset of this expedition. But Kyoshi isn't! Peter call doctor Kyoshi! Tell him to report to the infirmary immediately!

**Beckett: **Hey, you can't just swap one man for another!

**Dr. Weir: **Yes I can! I am the leader of this expedition! AND YOU WILL DO AS I SAY!!!!!!

**Lorne: **Doctor, calm down, remember the anger management lessons?

**Dr. Weir: **Right! Sorry.

**Lorne: **Beckett, can you make the drug work?

**Beckett: **Of course I can, I'm the best bloody doctor in this galaxy. It'll be ready in a few minutes!

**Sheppard: **OK, get Kyoshi down to the infirmary and give him the medicine. By the way, what does Ford AKA 'The Entity' says about this?

_Ford nods to Beckett_

**Beckett: **I think he's OK with it. But just for the record, I'm not OK with it!

**Dr. Weir: **It doesn't matter what you think, we – the wise leaders, are here to decide instead of you! Alright company, you have a go. And I'm going back to my bed...

**Kyoshi: **I'm going of-world? That's great! I have never been of-world until now! I mean, we're all of-world here, but of-world of-world – that's a completely different thing! And a rescue mission... I'm so glad to be part of it... _(keeps talking)_

**Lorne **_(whispering to Sheppard)_**: **You told him it was a rescue mission?

**Sheppard: **Well it is! In a way...

**Kyoshi: **...never wanted to be a scientist anyway, but my mom didn't want me to enlist, so I...

**Sheppard: **Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're here! _(bangs on the door) _Beckett, open up!

_McKay comes around the corner and sees the team standing before the infirmary door, so he goes and asks what's going on._

**McKay: **Hey, what's going on?

**Kyoshi: **I'm going of-world!

**McKay: **Ha! _(But as the faces of his companions stay serious...) _You're serious?

**Kyoshi: **I'm going on rescue mission!

**McKay: **A rescue mission? Did I miss something while I was asleep?

**Sheppard: **Enough of this chit chat! Beckett! Open the god damn door!

**Beckett: **We're trying, but it might take a while, the console is fried.

**McKay: **Then there is no way to open this door!

**Kyoshi: **Ofcourse there is. You can open any door in Atlantis from the main tower.

**McKay: **I knew that!

**Lorne **_(to Sheppard)_**: **Maybe McKay should go on a 'rescue mission!'

**Sheppard: **No, Weir made up her mind, we're not waking her up because of a problem as small as this. Zelenka, do you read?

**Zelenka: **Yes, this is Zelenka,

**Sheppard: **Could you open the infirmary door for us?

**Zelenka: **How would I do that? I'm in the cont...

**McKay: **You can open any door in Atlantis from the main tower, you idiot!

**Zelenka: **I knew that...

_Zelenka manages to open the door, they step into the infirmary and they see Beckett and Ford. Ford is pointing his weapon at them and he doesn't let them out of his sight._

**Beckett: **I managed to design the medicine, it's all set.

**Sheppard: **Take him!!!

_Lorne and Teyla grab the poor guy_

**Kyoshi: **Wha... What are you doing???!!!

**Teyla: **Calm down! We're only sacrificing you for a greater purpose!

**Beckett: **Some being is possessing Ford, we can't loose Ford, so you will be 'lost' instead! I did not agree though!

_Because of shock and fear, Dr. Kyoshi loses his consciousness_

**Ford:**

Fat body, weak mind,

that is what you have brought to me?

So far I have been kind,

But now I'll unleash my power upon thee!

_Kyoshi regains his consciousness_

**Kyoshi: **Please! I don't wanna die!

**Sheppard: **I'm sorry, it's the only way!

**Ford: **Oh c'mon! You are one dumb species!

**Sheppard: **Mind your... Why don't you talk in rhymes anymore?

**Ford: **You see! Dumb as hell! How could you even think that someone or something would constantly speak in rhymes?

**Beckett: **Then why did you...

**Ford: **For the DRAMA! I thought it would add some mysticism to the whole situation, you know?

_They all look at him with eyes wide open, trying to comprehend what they just heard..._

**Ford: **Let me start from the beginning. My name is Shkwoharatelionuasafangeirontela Cromantistosallamehjaris. It means 'The one with a strong energy signature' in my language. I come from the beings known as the Cromantistosallamehjaris'alk Skrabaltharessafirdass, which means 'Energy signature people' in my language. I come from the planet you recently visited... the one with the server. There I got myself in this meat...

_The others stand there with their mouths open..._

**Ford: **Anyway, I and my wife are the caretakers of that server, and we also upload contents, so that other may download it. The process I believe you are well acquainted with, as I can see from the mind of this body.

**Beckett: **You can read Ford's minds?

**Ford: **Yes.

**Sheppard: **Then why didn't you just go to the gate enter the address and go away? Why this kidnapping, threatening...

**Ford: **You really don't get it do you? Purpose of me being here is filming you! All scared, angry, captain Rogue without his love _(Waves with the flamethrower) _little Jinto locked in the storage room and his father's desperate search of his son... Do you know how many downloads from our server that means?

**McKay: **Filming us?

**Lorne: **Downloads?

**Teyla: **Jinto lost?

**Ford: **Yes! Reality TV! People love it!

_After a while, when they all starting to understand that none of this is real, that it's all just a show and that the entity really doesn't want to harm anyone, they decide to invite 'The one with a strong energy signature' to the mess hall. There it explains that they don't need the medicine and that there are 67 cameras placed all arround Atlantis. In the end they all agree they will let him go home, back to his wife and their server. Under one condition:_

**Sheppard: **We'll let you go, but you must give us a copy of the show.

**Ford: **No problem. Just go to our website and download it!

_Then the stargate activates and this energy reveals itself, when it leaves Ford's body_

**McKay: **Is that...

**Zelenka: **...an ascended being?

**Lorne: **They're making shows now?

**Shkwoharatelionuasafangeirontela Cromantistosallamehjaris: **Good by!

_Ford awakens in front of activated stargate, thinking he and the team just came from another mission.  
_

**Ford **_(to himself)_**: **Never again I am sniffing that drug again. I can't even remember what planet we've been to, let alone the purpose of the mission. Hey, who dragged me through the gate?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The End---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	4. 38 OR IS IT 48?

Disclaimer: All names and characters are a property of their respective owners, I own nothing and I will not make profit of it!

Stargate Atlantis: Parallel Universe

_We all know of the Atlantis expedition. Expedition of smart, cunning, brave men and women, who chose to risk their lives for us, left on Earth. For us, who don't even know what' s going on. Well, we never will, but that is not my point. My point is that there are infinite variations of universe... They were smart, cunning and brave in that one alright. Sadly that's not the case in this universe...._

**EPISODE 4 – 38... OR IS IT 48? **

_A puddle jumper with our beloved characters inside, is flying towards the gate, and as usual something goes wrong. This time they get lodged into the stargate itself..._

**Dr. Weir: **Where are they?

**Grodin: **They're coming. Don't worry.

**McKay**_(yelling)_**: **This is McKay! We have a problem!

**Dr. Weir: **Rodney? What kind of a problem?

**McKay: **We're stuck.

**Dr. Weir: **What do you mean – stuck?

**Sheppard:**AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHRHHHHHHHHHAUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Dr. Weir: **Damn it John! Could you stop yelling! I'm trying to have a conversation with Rodney!!!

**Teyla: **Major Sheppard yells because he is badly hurt!

**Dr. Weir: **Oh my god, John!? Bring him through, immediately!!!

**McKay: **We can't!

**Dr. Weir: **Why not?

**McKay: **Because we're stuck!!!

**Dr. Weir: **Oh ............ You were saying?

**McKay: **I was saying that we're stuck... Lodged into the stargate. Probably those damn retraction pods didn't retract!

**Dr. Weir: **Oh, Rodney you're such a smart man but sometimes you can't see the simplest solution!

**McKay: **What? What do you mean by that?

**Dr. Weir: **We'll just trow you a rope or something through the event horizon and pull you out!

_Zelenka and McKay look at each other._

**Zelenka: **Ehm, I don't know if you heard, but matter can only travel through from our end, since we've dialled from this side. Nothing can come through from your end I'm afraid.

**Dr. Weir: **What are you saying?

**Zelenka **_(to McKay)_**: **Didn't I jut told her?

**Ford: **Dr. Weir, your solution simply isn't possible, for reasons to complicated for you to understand...

**Dr. Weir: **Are you saying I'm stupid?!

**Ford: **No, ma'am!

**Sheppard: **AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHRHHHHHHHHHAUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**McKay: **Listen, we don't have time to argue, because in 48 minutes the gate will automatically disengage and then we all die!

**Zelenka: **I think it's 38.

**McKay: **What?

**Zelenka: **38. Minutes? 38 minutes, not 48...

**McKay: **No, it's 48 I'm sure...

**Zelenka: **No... it's 38...

**McKay: **Why do you always have to defy me?

**Zelenka: **I'm not def...

**Lorne: **Shut up both of you! We'll make it 38 just in case, OK? Now get to work and retract those pods before time elapses.

_Silence_

**Lorne: ** please come in! _(Still silence) _Doctor?

**Grodin: **This is . Ehm... Elizabeth went away, she said she was bored and wanted to get some fresh air...

**Lorne: **I cant believe this! Grodin! Call Beckett. He will assist us in helping Sheppard.

_McKay and Zelenka start working on a solution and Beckett is called to assist others in helping Sheppard._

**Beckett: **Major Lorne, what happened to Major Sheppard?

**Lorne: **Well we were on our way back to the jumper since there was nothing interesting in the village. So, we were walking and talking, McKay complained a lot over our decision to park the jumper a mile away...

**Beckett: **Major, could you fast forward please?

**Lorne: **Yeah, sorry. So, as we almost made it back to the jumper this creature jumped from the bushes and attached itself to Major Sheppard!

**Beckett: **Define attached.

**Lorne: **Arms around his neck, legs around his hips...

**Beckett: **Oh my god! How big is it?

**Lorne: **It's big, human size! Well it's a human basically. A woman to be precise!

**Beckett: **A woman? Then why the bloody hell you call it a creature?

**Ford: **Cause it's god damn ugly, that's why.

**Sheppard: **GET IT OF OF ME!!!

**Beckett: **Have you tried to reason with her?

**Teyla: **We tried. But it wont let go. It' seems it's in love with the Major.

**Beckett: **Stop calling her 'it'!

**Ford: **I ain't calling IT no differently! I already shot it in the head, but it still won't come of!

**Beckett: **You shot her in the head?!?!

**Ford: **Damn right I did! But it just attached itself more tighter to the Major!

**Beckett: **How is that even possible?

**McKay: **It's probably fueled with love for Sheppard...

**Sheppard: **DO SOMETHING!!! IT IS KILLING ME!!!

**Beckett: **Lorne, can you put your hand into her panties? If she even wears them...

**Lorne: **WHAT! I'm not doing that. Not even with a stick!!!

**Beckett: **We need to know!

**Lorne: **To know what???!!!

**Beckett: **If she is aroused. I need to know if she is really in love or just horny...

**Lorne: **DOC! I'm not doing it!

**Teyla: **Evan, please! I want to run _(porno smile)_ with him AND with you, in the future! Please, do it for me! Do it for our beloved John!

**McKay: **Beloved?

**Ford: **You, shut up and retract the pods!

**McKay: **Of course, yell at me, right? I can't work under this kind of pressure!

**All of them: **RETRACT THE PODS!!!

**McKay: **Look, they must be retracted manually, and that is quite a task, you know?

**Ford: **What do you mean – manually? Like in go out and...

**Zelenka: **Stop asking questions and leave us alone so we may fix the problem!

**Lorne: **Damn you two are so cocky!

**McKay: **Oh, excuse me, mister Calm, but we only have about 31 minutes before die!

**Zelenka: **21.

**McKay: **What?

**Lorne: **Don't even start it!

**Sheppard:**AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHRHHHHHHHHHAUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Beckett: **LORNE PUT YOU GOD DAMN HAND INTO HER PANTIES AND TELL ME IF SHE IS HORNY OR NOT!!!

_Lorne reluctantly puts his hand where otherwise he would be really glad to put it, but in this case...__So his hand is slowly nearing the danger zone and then slips into the panties..._

**Lorne:**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRTTTWSSSSSSSSSSVBAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**Beckett: **Lorne! What's wrong! Does it bite!

**Lorne: **IT'S A SHE-MALE!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT IS AROUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Sheppard:**AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHRHHHHHHHHHAUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Beckett: **WHAT???!!!

**Teyla: **What is a she-male?

**Ford: **You don't wanna know!

**Rogue: **Maybe if I wuz try to burn...

**All of them: **NO!!!

**Grodin: **Who was that?

**Teyla: **It was Captain Rogue.

**Grodin: **Who?

**Ford: **The flamethrower guy! Could we help the Major, please?

**Grodin: **Wait, wasn't the flamethrower guy supposed to pilot the jumper?

**Lorne **_(still in shock)_**: **Ehm... Yeah?

**Grodin: **Captain, who piloted the ship?

**Rogue: **It wuz Auto. But I has not see it, only hear...

**Grodin: **This is unbelievable! You put the ship on auto pilot whilst going through the gate? And the others let you do it?

**Rogue: **Is not very good to do, yes?

**Grodin: **NO! We will discuss this when you get back!

**McKay: **If... we get back.

**Lorne: **Just work, damn it?

**Beckett: **Right, Rodney and... ehm... R...R...Ra... Doctor Zelenka, I'm confident that you will succeed, meanwhile we should attend to our patient. Major Lorne? Tell me what medical supplies do you have with you? We might get it of with something since it's only horny and not in love and the bond is weaker...

**Lorne: **Just a second... OK, we have, a six-pack of beer, some power bars, bandages, chloroform, rohypnol, some vodka, a pair of scissors and a really big syringe...

**Ford: **There are some porn magazines here...

**Beckett: **Those don't count as a medical supplies Aiden...

**Ford: **Oh...

**Beckett: **OK, this is what we will do. Put some beer in the syringe and inject it directly into her vein... tell me if it had any effect...

_They do as doctor instructs them_

**Sheppard:**AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHRHHHHHHHHHAUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Beckett: **What happened?

**Ford: **It's not working! It attached itself even tighter to the Major!

**Beckett: **I was afraid of that. Alcohol probably fueled it desire for Sheppard even more. I'm sorry John but we have to try all of the other substances...

**Lorne: **You want me to put a power bar into the syringe?

**Beckett: **No, take the scissors and cut it's back open, then insert the bar and spill over some vodka... if this doesn't work... well, then I'm afraid I have no solution...

**Sheppard:**AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHRHHHHHHHHHAUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Ford: **It's not working, it's even worse!

**Teyla: **Oh my god, John!

**McKay: **We're running out of time!

**Zelenka: **This is it, I've managed to override the controls...

**McKay: **You?

**Zelenka: **Not now Rodney!

**Lorne: **If we're set to go, then let's go! We'll help Sheppard once we're back.

**McKay: **There just a small problem.

**Teyla: **What now?

**McKay: **The pods probably won't retract completely so we'll just slightly move and then we'll be stuck again...

**Zelenka: **You can't know that!

**McKay: **Yes I do! Something always goes wrong when we're almost saved! I'm betting this will be it! Look!

_McKay punches the 'button' and as said, jumper moves only slightly due to momentum loss and not complete pod retraction._

**Teyla: **Now we will die.

**Zelenka: **Not necessarily. Someone should stay behind and open the back door and the vacuum will push us through the gate and we will be saved.

**Ford: **What about the one who will open the door?

**McKay: **Dead...

**Ford: **I'll do it...

_Everybody agrees..._

_Captain Rogue is seating on the jumper bench and reading the porn magazine..._

**Rogue: **This is so great magazine... Look at size of his boner...

_He shows it to Sheppard and he starts acting strange... like he's dying... and as it comes out he's really dying..._

**Teyla: **What did you do?!

**Rogue: **I...I...

**Beckett: **What's going on?

**Lorne: **Sheppard is dying, he's having a heart attack! It was probably caused by THE BONER...

**Ford: **McKAY!!!

**McKay: **ALMOST THERE! I just need to rewrite a minor subroutine so you can open the door.

**Lorne: **Doc, what should we do?

**Beckett: **There's nothing you CAN do!

**Ford: **We're loosing him!

**Rogue: **I is so sorry!

_At that point the 'creature' starts to loosen it's grip on Sheppard..._

**Teyla: **Something is going on...

**Ford: **It's letting him go!

_Gunfire is heard over the radio_

**Beckett: **What's going on!?!?

**Lorne: **It's of and it's dead... I think...

**Teyla: **So is John!!!! _(crying) _His heart beats no more!

**Zelenka: **I'm done!

**McKay: **You're done?

**All of them: **Not now Rodney!!!

**McKay: **OK, everybody step inside the event horizon, Ford, when we're gone open the door and hang tight!!! Good luck.

_Then he jumps into the event horizon. Others put Sheppard in and say their goodbyes to courageous Lieutenant and then they follow McKay. Seconds later they all come through the gate and immediately they start nursing Sheppard, nobody even notices that Ford who, against all odds did survive, broke his nose after he fell on the jumper floor. Well he is only a minor character after all... Anyhow, the 'creature' was conveniently sucked into space and Sheppard of course, did survive the heart attack. But after a few hours a new crisis emerges..._

**Unknown technician: **Fire in the jumper bay! Fire in the jumper bay!

_And of course our beloved team of heroes is the first one to arrive at the jumper bay with HalfDeadJohn and NoSmellAiden on board even though none of them has any firefighting experience whatsoever__... And what do they see?_

**Rogue **_(burning a jumper with his flamethrower)_**: **DIE YOU AUTO PILOT! DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

_So it's a false alarm because a jumper can't be burned. Neither can be Atlantis for that matter, but the whole situation just gave the mission that cream on a cake effect..._

**Dr. Weir: **_(via the ASSS)_**: **Radek! Bring me those reports I ordered you to write. Bring the pencil as well...

_People can't see her. But there is a porno smile on her face. Yup... definitively a porno smile..._


End file.
